Six Reasons Attraction in Your Marriage Can Fade

Most spouses at some point inevitably face distractions and/or hindrances to sexual and physical attraction in marriage. I’ve encountered this at various points in my marriage too, but every single time it’s had little to do with how physically or sexually attractive my mate was in that particular moment.

I think this is true in most marriages, even though it might not feel or seem that way when you’re in the middle of that disillusionment. But that’s exactly what it is—an illusion that has disrupted, distorted and even corrupted your feelings for your mate.

My list below includes six reasons why this occurs. I’ve also included examples beneath each reason to more specifically point to where these issues might originate from in your particular marriage and life. Read the list while considering if these factors are cropping up in your own marriage.

Checklist and Checkup for Your Marriage …

1. Unresolved Marital Conflicts

• Disagree on who fulfills certain roles and/or how often.
• Can’t agree on how to approach your child’s care.
• Don’t agree on how often to have sex.
• Disagree on money or other important family matters.
• Can’t agree on certain boundaries in marriage.
• Don’t feel as if your mate meets certain needs.
• Constant environment of tension, dissatisfaction and conflict in marriage.

This is one of the reasons I, at times, lost my sense of attraction to my husband. This blog, after all, is called “Messy Marriage” for a reason—because the early days of my marriage were very conflicted and messy. We hardly missed a day when an argument didn’t erupt over some trivial or, less often, monumental issue.

I can say first hand that it’s very hard to feeling loving and attracted toward your mate when you are angry with him (or her)! Can you relate?

If the contention in your marriage continues unabated, then this might be the culprit for losing your attraction to your mate.

2. Unresolved Wounds/Issues Unrelated to Your Spouse

• Hormone-driven issues like pregnancy, post-pregnancy, menopause, low-testosterone etc.
• Miscarriage
• Painful intercourse
• Chronic illnesses—both physical and mental
• Distorted body image
• Past sexual abuse(s)
• Sexual distortion(s), often modeled or taught by family-of-origin or by other authority figures
• Emotional abuse by, or estrangement from, one or both of your parents
• Fear of intimacy—whether emotional or physical
• Loss of, in particular, a child (but can be related to the loss of any close family member)
• Spiritual warfare

Reason #2 is one that has really messed with my head in many different ways. I’ve encountered hormone issues that have thrown me off kilter at various times. Spiritual warfare often factored in. And my mother’s distorted views of sex and body image corrupted my own thinking as well.

In fact, I’m certain I was impacted by the five years that my parents abstained from sex right after my father’s mother died when I was only 16. I didn’t know my parents weren’t having sex until my older sister revealed that fact much later in my life. But I’m convinced that I felt it intuitively—letting it go further to shape the way I viewed sex early on in my marriage.

3. Unforgiving Attitude (Toward Mate and/or Mate Toward You)

• Allow unresolved conflicts to infect your heart with lingering anger and bitterness.
• Certain offenses by your mate continue even after being confronted.
• Sexual abuses and/or unfaithfulness have been or continue to be committed against you by your mate.
• Allow yourself to habitually ruminate on your spouse’s bad points or past indiscretions.

This one relates directly to the first reason—unresolved conflicts. But we don’t have to let conflicts remain unresolved, nor are we helpless victims in keeping bitterness from forming. I would say, however, that this was the predicament I found myself in, due to the way I handled those unresolved conflicts.

At first, I didn’t quite know how to forgive my spouse. I also didn’t recognize the corrupting power of negative rumination about my spouse on my heart. It felt, at the time, like this was a good release valve for my frustrations and disappoints, when it was actually chaining me to my own anger and sin.

4. Unguarded and Unfaithful Heart (Yours and/or Your Mate’s)

• Don’t see the importance of avoiding flirtation or lustful looks.
• Mentally compare your spouse to someone you feel would make a better spouse.
• Regularly fantasize about that other person.
• Pornography use and/or other sexual addictions
• Infidelity (past or present)

This reason often results from the corrupting influence of bitterness on our hearts. Several of the contributors, listed under this reason, can lead to a “Domino Effect”—tumbling one-by-one to set off a destructive chain-reaction.

I was guilty of letting attractions to other men occur in my mind at one point. I let my bitterness convince me that I deserved a better mate. But that too is a lie, because there’s not a single human who won’t at some point disappoint, hurt or frustrate us.

We also must remember how vulnerable we are to being attracted to someone other than our mate whenever our hearts have grown bitter and cold in marriage. Our hearts abhor a void and will do whatever it takes to fill it.

5. Live Too Independently from Spouse

• Grow accustomed to lack of sex and forget the joy and bond it creates.
• Out of busyness, you give precedence to the urgent rather than the important.
• Your kids and/or job fill the void that your spouse needs to fill.

This one is so common, especially in the childbearing and childrearing stages of marriage. Kids demand a lot from a couple, and it’s rare for a young couple to know how to navigate this demand very well. Boundaries are essential—not just between spouses, but also between spouses and their kids.

6. Live Independently from God

• Your emotions grow more distant and even colder toward God, which leads to distance in all your relationships.
• Your heart and mind are not convicted on a regular basis by God’s word and prayer, so you don’t live out what’s important in life and marriage.
• You’re more vulnerable to the temptations of the Evil One.
• You become less winsome and attractive to your mate because you rarely if ever reflect Christ.

This can be one of the biggest factors for losing not just your attraction to your mate, but for also losing your way in life. God is the anchor that keeps us steady in the waves of life and marriage (see Heb. 6:19-20).

And don’t forget the last listed contributor under this reason—you become less winsome and attractive to your mate. You might feel as if you can manage your own lack of desire and attraction, but beware, your mate may lose interest in YOU given time! 

I’ve seen this happen more times than I can tell you in the lives of those I coach and minister to. When it occurs, it’s always so heartbreaking because the jilted spouse—who was once the disinterested spouse—suddenly recognizes what he/she has lost! Sadly, by then, it’s just too late! Their mates simply walk out the door with no turning back!

Don’t let that happen to you!