Fifteen is a young age to learn about the transforming power of God’s forgiveness… but not too young. It also wasn’t too young to begin learning that true, lasting forgiveness is only possible through Jesus Christ.
Being sinned against by my own father had made me bitter and angry. Trying to cover up my feelings and go on as though nothing had happened only served to distance my head and my heart from the truth and make me disconnected from what was going on inside me.
Eventually, the effort became too much, and I began experiencing a loathing towards my father that made me feel physically ill. Having to hold his hand in prayer around the table caused mealtimes to become something to avoid. One particularly violent emotional reaction sent me running to the bathroom to try to recover in private.
God met me there in the midst of my pain, but it wasn’t comfortable. I felt trapped and scared of my emotions. The tremendous effort I expended in pretending that I was okay wasn’t working. Trying to love my dad wasn’t working either. In fact, the harder I tried, the uglier the feeling inside me grew.
I did not want to admit that what I felt was… hate.
What a horrible, ugly word. It represented exactly what I knew Christians should not feel towards anybody, and yet, it accurately expressed what I felt.
The abuse had ended several years earlier, but as time went by, my knowledge of the gravity of the offense done to me grew and began to fester. I felt soiled and dirty, and these feelings fueled a rage that became increasingly difficult to hide.
It didn’t help that outwardly, we looked like a typical middle-class family. Dad worked as an electrical engineer, Mom was a homemaker, and we three girls went to school and busied ourselves with all the activities that teenagers typically like to do. In addition, our family was active in our local church and Dad was in training to become an elder.
At fifteen, my faith in Jesus Christ was well established. I loved Him and had asked Him to be my Savior when I was a young girl. I did everything I could in an attempt to grow in maturity and please God, including attending Sunday School and church, reading my Bible, and participating in youth group activities. Without a doubt, I knew that the horrible feelings that consumed me were not something that God wanted me to have towards anyone; not even my dad.
But part of me felt entitled to my anger. After all, I reasoned, wasn’t it my right as a victim to be angry with the person who had hurt me; who had never apologized, or made any attempts to make things right between us?
Wasn’t he the adult; the hypocrite who had covered up his sin and managed to look good in the eyes of everyone outside our immediate family, including the church? Furthermore, he was my father, the one who was supposed to be sorry for hurting me! Shouldn’t he be the one to ask for my forgiveness?
Because that’s what I was struggling with; the need to forgive my dad… and I. Didn’t. Want. To.
For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” (Matthew 6:14-15)
The underlying cause of my misery was not being sinned against. It came from me doing everything in my power to avoid the truth; that God wanted me to forgive my enemy. All the trying to feel better, and do good things, and love my Dad in my own strength, was futile.
That moment in the bathroom remains seared on my mind and heart. When I sensed the Holy Spirit tell me that I needed to forgive my dad, I dropped to my knees on the floor sobbing, overcome with the need to cry out to my Jesus to enable me to do what He asked of me. Because without a doubt, I knew that my right to hold unforgiveness in my heart, stopped when my sins nailed Jesus to the cross.
When I look back on the hurting girl that I was, my heart overflows with thanksgiving to The One who cleansed and healed me. Because in choosing to obey my Heavenly Father by forgiving the one who had sinned against me, He set me free from a life crippled by bitterness and hate. To my great sorrow, I’ve seen what happens when someone allows unforgiveness to fester; it only poisons and destroys the one who clings to it.
At fifteen I began learning a lesson about forgiveness that has continued to draw me closer to the Heavenly Father who sent His only son, Jesus Christ, to die for me… and for you… and for everyone who will admit their desperate need for Him.
My husband and I have raised seven children and have 17 grandchildren. I write stories of the transformative work of redemption and healing that Jesus has done in my life, in the hope that others will be blessed and encouraged in their faith. Visit my blog or follow my social media!
Thank you for sharing your testimony. I have never experienced anything like this, buy it is encouraging to read how God has helped others through what would be impossible situations.
Praising God you know and are known and loved by your Heavenly Father. My heart aches for the you and the pain you have experienced.
You have such a wonderful ministry.
Wendy, gah! First of all, I’m so sorry he hurt you. My heart breaks for anyone whose lived through abuse. It’s one of the evils I can’t WAIT for Jesus to wipe out on his return. Something you said really struck a cord with me, “Wasn’t he the adult; the hypocrite who had covered up his sin and managed to look good in the eyes of everyone outside our immediate family, including the church? “. My first husband, not sexually abusive but intimidating, verbally, emotionally abusive was so good at hiding what he was really like behind closed doors. My own Grandma told me I was being ridiculous when I left him- she believed he was a good man. Everyone did. It was scary the way he could hide himself and be this kind, gentleman to everyone else. I felt like no one would ever believe me. This is one of the biggest problems with abuse, the fear no one will listen. But God always answers. When we divorced we had to see a mediator, he was a non-Christian. He saw right through my husband. called him out on everything he said and gave me custody of our child. I know so many of us are afraid to talk about abuse but I’m so thankful for you sharing your story. Overcoming that anger and forgiving someone who hurt us and isn’t sorry can only be done through jesus. I know you’re going to help many women!
Wendy, on the one hand I’m sorry for what you went through, yet on the other I’m amazed at the restorative power of God’s grace in your life. It came at a high price but it’s a lesson you’ve taken with you through life which now blesses many — including me.
Thank you for being so brave in sharing your story. I pray that others will find healing and hope because of it.
Hugs, dear friend!
Wendy I’m so sorry that this happened to you. That is a mighty hurdle that you have had to overcome oh but by God’s grace it was made possible. Your testimony is valuable and will help many. Already I can see that your forgiveness wasn’t in vain. It’s a lesson we all have to learn and it is taught to each of us in a different way. Forgiveness while difficult, is definitely freeing. Thank you for being brave and sharing your story.
Oh Wendy, there are no words…. I am so sorry that you had to experience such mistreatment from the hands that were supposed to support you and care for you… But I continue to be awed at the wonderful, restorative power of Jesus Christ. He was able to take what should have broken you and made you into a strong, beautiful woman who is able to encourage others… Keep on encouraging and being encouraged Wendy. One day Jesus will return and he comes with your reward.
Hi Wendy.
What an inspiring story of the true power of forgiveness and mercy in and through Jesus, our author and finisher of salvation to say the least. Only God can bring us to that true forgiveness in our broken hearts. I wish that everybody , including Christians who hide their sins would come to the realization that asking forgiveness from one who has hurt another so bad that the hate festers in their hearts and minds, will see the power of letting go after acknowledging and confessing that pain in their lives leading to the release of those awful emotions. We are in effect carrying the perpetrator’s garbage on our souls when Jesus wants us to give that burden to Him.
May your testimony draw many people closer to God and obtain the saving grace of Jesus our savior and redeemer!