There is a certain safety to this oh so public confession. I don’t have to look any of you in the eyes as you read. I don’t have to see disgust, incredulity, or sorrow transform your countenance. I don’t ever know if you read a few words, then close the page, not wanting to deal with me and my drama yet again. Instead I enjoy the sweet relief of confession paired with the validation of page stats that tell me someone is listening.
But not every post is easy. Of all the things I’ve shared here, perhaps the most frightening for me to open up about was the topic of my depression.
Because depression isn’t supposed to be a problem with Christians. We’ve got the joy-joy-joy-joy down in our hearts, down in our hearts to stay. Right?
Let’s be honest- if Christians can follow the Lord and still struggle with depression, that’s faith shaking. It calls into question our notion of the goodness of God. It seems to fly in the face of all those joy verses we love so much. So we make depression a problem with your christian walk. We boil it down to an issue of spiritual disciplines. If you would just read your bible, just pray a little more, just memorize these verses, then you would be healed.
Because we don’t know how to help, we recite the same old verses…
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
Weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning
But we have no words for the Christian who stays stuck in the night, who for month after month, does not experience the morning. For the Christian who, instead, doesn’t cease mourning.
We may even label them: weak christian, undisciplined christian, baby christian, or perhaps not even a Christ follower at all?
At the deepest darkest stage of my depression, when all I could do was pray and cry out to the Lord, I had one well-meaning pastor suggest that my lack of joy and peace were signs that I was not following the Lord. No matter how I explained, I could not convince him that the Lord had allowed my depression even though I was, for probably the first time in my life, following him wholeheartedly.
So there it is, the thing we’re not supposed to talk about.
Wholeheartedly following the Lord led me to a place of great darkness.
From the time I got saved at 23 until right before I left Hawaii at 31, I begged the Lord to strip away the idols that I knew I was putting before him yet did not have the strength to lay down for good. Then for more than four years, God faithfully did just that. I was no longer satisfied with my loving little nest of a church; the only two romantic relationships I had been in as a Christian blew up, one shortly after the other; I was drawn away from the island I said I’d never leave; I was forced to move to a city I despised to find work; I felt utterly isolated from all my friends and family; and I lost my last defense against the world when I quit smoking.
I had so long used these idols to keep my past in the past, my sorrow at bay, and a smile on my face, the pit of despair that had hovered at my heels since I was five years old began to engulf me. I was overtaken, overwhelmed and drowning in a sea of sadness that seemed to have no end and no logical source.
And God let it happen.
That’s right. My depression wasn’t caused by a lack of spiritual discipline at all. Quite the opposite. I knew all the verses and was following the Lord. He led me right through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I prayed and I read my bible constantly. I had to; God was the only thing I had left and the only thing holding me together.
In the valley, I came to truly believe that Jesus Christ is enough for me. If all else falls away, He will always be and has always been all I need.
In the wilderness, I developed a relationship of intimacy, trust, and dependence on my creator.
In the desert, I learned to drink deeply from the streams of living water the Lord provides.
God took my ashes, my ugliness and my pain, and allowed depression held in check by his sovereign hand, to refine me. And you know what? The joy did come in the morning, it was just a very long night indeed.
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.~Isaiah 61:1-3 (NIV)
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Some people always seem to learn things the hard way, and I am one of them. My life is just another God tale of beauty for ashes. I blog about what I have learned with the hope that someone else can learn through my mistakes without having to walk down a bumpy road themselves. Visit my blog or follow my social media!
Thank you so much for your post. It made me think of Job’s story. Though it’s a little different, Job certainly experienced depression which was not a result of disobedience or lack of faith. Just like many people today, Job’s friends didn’t understand how he could be both depressed and right with God at the same time. Certainly depression can stem from disobedience, but sometimes God simply allows depression into the life of a Christian for other reasons. No matter what, we can know that whatever God allows us to experience is for our good and His glory. (Romans 8:28 “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.”)
Amen, Eliza! In hind-sight, looking back on those years, I can confidently say that it was all for my good and His glory!
This was vulnerable and deep. Thank you so much for sharing. It was encouraging to learn from your story. May you continue to experience his joy
Thank you, Chioma!
This is encouraging for people who are having a rough time.
I’m so glad you think so!
Thank you! Very timely for me. I appreciate your transparency
I’m so glad, Vanessa!
Thank you for this post. I actually found this page by accident. I want to briefly (I hope) share my story with you. I grew up in a hot and humid town. There is a lot of pollution in the air. At the age of 11 years I started suffering migraines. Some would be so debilitation I was rendered an “invalid” for hours or for days. At 25 I got married and moved to a cooler, cleaner environment. I would get maybe one migraine every three to six months. Then my husband got a job back in my original town. So we moved back here. The migraines have been chronic since coming back. The amount of medication I have to take is scary. At one point the doctor prescribed a new medication for me. It stopped the migraines but the side effect was like a manic depression. I would be having a civil conversation with someone, and then out of nowhere I would start yelling at them. I would be having fun but suddenly start crying uncontrollably. It nearly killed my marriage. After two months my husband asked me to quit the medication. I did because I didn’t want my marriage to end. It was a wise move. But in the midst of the period I was taking this medication, I started a book. In that book I would write verses to encourage me, quotes, poems even (all christian based). To this day I am still filling this book up. I refer to it on the days I have the most debilitation migraines and on the days I feel so depressed. The message I want to give to others is this: The Father is always with you. I know some are going to doubt this in the midst of their turmoil. Start a “bad day book”. Add scriptures, quotes, poems, pictures, etc to it. Carry it around with you if you need to. Read it. Reflect on it. Pray them over your life. If you read and reread these scriptures, quotes, etc. you will find that at some point you do start believing them. You start remembering them. And you start to find true comfort in them, resulting in your knowing without a doubt that your Father is right there in your darkest hour. You are never alone.
(Okay, turns out this message was not so brief… sorry).
Thank you for that wisdom, Charmaine! I had a book of sorts too. Four the 4 years that my depression was darkest, I read five Psalms a day, transcribing out huge portions of them into spiral bound notebooks. Some Psalms I wrote out in entirety dozens of times over that period. When we press into Him, God can use even our depression for His glory!
Thanks for sharing your testimony. I’m so glad God never leaves us no matter what we are walking through. It’s the devil who comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but Jesus comes to bring life.
Amen, Kelly!
Beautiful post! Thank you for being willing to share your hurt in order to encourage others.
Thank you, Makenna!
Thank you for sharing, Kate! I’m so glad God taught you all the things He did when you walked through the valley!
He is with us in everything. Blessings to you as you share this!
Thank you, Julie!
Thank you, Kate! I struggled with anxiety driven depression for years and I’m a pastor’s wife! When we share our stories we help others know they aren’t alone. God bless you!
What a challenge, Deb. Pastors and their wives are often under such a microscope. Thank you for reading and commenting!
I’m in this valley right now. More of a pit, actually. Thank you for the encouragement, that the night will, at last, break into day.
I’m sorry that you’re in the thick of it, Terrie, but so so so grateful to a good good God who I KNOW will use even this for His glory and your good. Hang on, sister!
I have a friend who is 17 years of age. Until recently I thought she was the happiest person I’d ever known. She has recently told me she has been depressed for about a year now. She is one of the strongest and most god fearing person I know. How can I help her through her time of pain and sadness?
Hi Emily. You may want to remind her that God brings us low only to bring us high. We can’t appreciate some of his greatest blessings if we don’t experience an opposite situation. I would certainly sympathize with her, but providing encouragement about her unique situation is also a must. I hope this helps.
Emily,
It can be difficult to love someone well who is struggling with depression. My advice is to keep on reaching out. At my darkest points, I did not have the energy to reach out to my friends at all. Even though I knew they cared, I worried they would get sick of me not being able to maintain my usual cheerful, funny demeanor. The few people who kept on reaching out to me during that time were so life-sustaining!
Kate
This is truly encouraging…. Thanks
I am so glad you were encouraged! You’re welcome.
Thank you for this post. I am enduring the night right now and fighting harmful thoughts. I was reminded, on this Saturday before Easter Sunday, that Sunday is coming! It helps to know and be reminded of all that Christ did for me. I haven’t shared my place in this valley with anyone and I wear the mask daily. I’m scared, yet I realize that my husband, family, my talents, and all that I am is from God. I know He loves me and has placed people in my life for a reason, yet I can’t seem to climb out of this valley. I’m thankful for your acknowledgment of depression as a lack of faith. I believe and my faith is strong, yet I can’t seem to find joy, motivation, or purpose. I don’t understand. Please keep me in your prayers.
Thank you for reaching out Talandra! I will certainly say a prayer for you. Also, don’t equate faith to feeling happy all the time. Not long before Jesus was crucified, he sweat drops of blood because of his emotional distress, yet, he went through with it because it was the will of the Father. Simply trust that God will get you through and deal with the emotions as best you can. The more you can think great things about Jesus whenever a bad thought comes in, the more they will lose their power.
I am so sorry that you are in the midst of it right now, Talandra! This is such a challenge. Keep on clinging to that precious promise from our God who does not lie that He WILL use all of it- everything- the hardest things and all the pain- for your GOOD and His GLORY! I have seen this promise play out again and again even through the worst of my depression. It won’t be wasted. Not one bit. It will be redeemed! Praying for you!
Thank you so much for sharing. It takes so much courage to let the mask slip, let alone stand barefaced in front of others. I was in a pit of despair so deep I could see the light of God’s love for me from miles away when He finally came to lift me up. Until He was right at my side I was unable to lift myself up. And for me it was the darkest before the dawn. But I too want to encourage others to grab His hand when He comes for you and as sure as I am typing this He will come. Hallelujah!!!! Humbly, Deb Couch, Dothan, AL
Amen, Deb!
This is a wonderful testimony! Thank you for sharing. Bringing you through the valley of the shadow of death – Amen!!! We have to remember we are NOT ALONE! Even in the wildernesses of our lives… Joy WILL come! Thank you so much for sharing!
Amen! Thank you, Cheryl.
Thank you for sharing. I’m going through a tough spot in my faith and have felt discouraged and if I’m being honest, a touch depressed. My depression comes and goes. I find it hard to do anything at all. Thank you for reminding me I’m not alone.
You are not alone! There are so many Gid-fearing, Jesus-following believers who struggle with this same issue. Praying for you, Rachel!