2020: The Epitome of Expectation, Acceptance, and Provision

2019 ended like usual for me. I received a word, or a theme, on my heart that I felt the Holy Spirit give me for the year ahead. 2020 was going to be the year of hope. Now, in my typical way, I hoped that my understanding of hope was wrong and that this will be an awesome year.

And it was an awesome year, right up until 28 March when one of the world’s hardest lockdowns hit South Africa. Then it became a hope filled year for us.

Hope defined

What I had hoped for was a year filled with financial stability, physical fitness, improved family relationships, and growth at work. Instead, we had, like hundreds of millions of people globally, loss of income, loss of life, deteriorated family relationships, and setbacks in our careers.

In light of this it might seem that my spiritual ears are clogged up, or that in some way God had failed me, but my wish for 2020 simply did not align with what I knew hope is.

Hope is what we need in troubled times. It’s not the warm feeling that things will get better and our dreams of wealth, health, and fame are fulfilled. Hope is the tether that keeps us to the Anchor, and the promise that He’ll make all things work together for the good of those who love Him.

Hope is the realistic assessment of the many ways in which our lives, and the world, are broken whilst holding on to the God who promised He’s got a plan to redeem it. His plan, mind you, has more to do with my Christlikeness than with my good fortune.

In the middle of our hard lockdown, I had a moment where the whole situation hit me like a ton of bricks. And I had to accept the fact that none of the things I had wished for were going to come to pass this year. I had to accept what was going to be given, instead, was somehow far more valuable than what I had hoped for.

Hard lockdown forced me to stop and assess what’s been keeping me busy

Before lockdown, I felt rushed, tired, and spread thin. There was always then next thing that needed doing, attending, and planning. Baby showers, church functions, work functions, socials, shopping lists, side projects and more. You name a time of day, or day of the week, and it was filled with something or somewhere.

This socialite life is the dream for any extrovert, and I would not claim that this is bad for everyone. But this type of life is bad for me. I’m an extreme introvert, who finds energy in spending time alone and processing a handful of meaningful engagements with the people close to me.

After five weeks of hard lockdown, I felt energized, rejuvenated, and ready to take on the world (from the privacy of my study of course). I started gardening again, and I enjoyed the little piece paradise I’ve been given for the first time in a decade.

I realized that I wasn’t made to be a social butterfly, flitting from one event to another. Instead, I was made to be a flower that thinks deeply about life’s difficult questions and add value and meaningful engagements to the lives of the butterflies that pass by.

In this time, I found the courage to say no to the mold that I won’t fit in.

We haven’t missed a single financial commitment

There were a handful of months that we didn’t know how we were going to get through the next month. Working in sales, my husband didn’t draw a full salary until August, and in the months before August, what he received from the unemployment fund wasn’t enough.

Yet, thanks to our community of church, friends, and family, we made it through every single month without defaulting on a loan repayment. We were also able to enjoy healthy, wholesome meals and had a bit to put towards savings, giving, and clothes when needed.

Because I was working from home for five months, we had the opportunity to get rid of my husband’s problematic car. Before I had to return to the office, he started a new job that provided a company car – putting us in a slightly better financial position with less debt.

It certainly wasn’t as easy as getting a solid paycheck, or hitting a couple of massive months with sales’ commission, but we’ve been looked after in every way.

I am less prone to fits of worry and anxiety

The copious amount of time alone, the hard reset of our lives, and God’s faithful provision in the last year has led to one of the most valuable gifts of 2020. I am sweating the small stuff less, which has led to fewer bouts of anxiety.

Difficult situations that had me in a flat spin in the past have become small obstacles that simply need to be dealt with. For example, in the past month I had a few situations where I had to meet with, or deal with, clients who have become dissatisfied with our service.

Last year, I would have worried for weeks on end, panicking about what we could do to make them happy.

Now, I have accepted the fact that I won’t be able to help every client that works with our company, regardless of the effort and worry I put in. All I can do is still give my best and try to help them. If they remain dissatisfied, that’s OKAY, I’ll carry on and do my best to help the next client.

Considering the industry I work in, this is a massive improvement in my quality of life and mental health.

To close

2020 hasn’t been the year I had wished for. It certainly isn’t a year that I’d redo, or wish for anyone. But it is the type of year, when looking back, I wouldn’t exchange for all the money in the world.